If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize