Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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