Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
