we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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