Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
