when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just want to make out with him forever
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
