The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
