I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
