Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When are your genitals available?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
