I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
