You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
