Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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