that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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