My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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