You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
