Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
