I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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