Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
