using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
