so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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