sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
