so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
