i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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