youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
