TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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