Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize