The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
