im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
