can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She announced her abortion via fbk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
