MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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