I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize