sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
