Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
