Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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