Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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