Can Purell be used as lube?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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