We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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