was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
