When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
