around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she told me i tasted like america
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
