Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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