My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Randomize
