You're earring is so big in my mouth
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
