i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
