Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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