So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
