I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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