i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize