i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
