Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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