Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
