I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize