Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
