I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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