happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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