the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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