i already hear my dad disowning me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
