whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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