Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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