one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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